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I am not sure how i am feeling right now. But i am consciously aware of it and it’s there in my mind all the time. Have i accepted it and let loose of my grip on him? i dont know. Have i clarify my doubt? no, i dare not. Am i being paranoid over that little thing that he did (which might not even mean anything) ? maybe.  Am i still clinging onto the hope of being together again? i dont know, i hope not, for fear of getting disappointed again. So, for now, single i shall be.

The heart knows its own bitterness.

Strangely enough, i find some kinda peace amidst these confusions. no, i dont mean i am over it.

I believe difficulties in life are there to polish and to strengthen me. Everything happens for a reason, and there is always a season for everything. I may not be able to understand it now, but i will someday. 

Any guys for whom i had an infatuation never knew of it. Any who liked me were not my type. I have not made my peace with the future spectre of living all my days as a “spinster” or “old maid”. Those 2 words and the conotations they evoked strike terror in my soul. Yea, maybe now is not the right time for me to find love, but i honestly pray and hope that celibacy will not always be my lot. As i said before, i will say it again, i just have to continue to trust in Him to provide someday.

Have been reading a book lately, entitled “Loneliness” by Elizabeth Elliot. Certain parts of the book speak so much of the condition i am in, and there were also sections of the book that were able to move me to tears.

Read of this poem this morning, found it to be appropriate.

He said, “I will forget the dying faces;
The empty places,
They shall be filled again.
O voices moaning deep within me, cease.”
But vain the word; vain, vain:
Not in forgetting lieth peace.

He said, “I will crowd action upon action,
The strife of faction
shall stir me and sustain;
O tears that drown the fire of manhood, cease.”
But vain the word; vain, vain:
Not in endeavor lieth peace.

He said, “I will withdraw me and be quiet,
Why meddle in life’s riot?
shut be my door to pain.
Desire, thou dost befool me, thou shalt cease.”
But vain the word; vain, vain:
Not in aloofness lieth peace.

He said, “I will submit; I am defeated.
God hath depleted
My life of its rich gain.
O futile murmurings, why will ye not cease?”
But vain the word; vain, vain:
Not in submission lieth peace.

He said, “I will accept the breaking sorrow
Which God tomorrow
Will to his son explain.”
Then did the turmoil deep within him cease.
Not vain the word, not vain;
For in Acceptance lieth peace.

Written by Amy Carmichael.

Let me paraphrase it this way, to look for peace within when we are in difficult times is not by forgetting, running away, avoiding nor submitting (as in like menyerah kalah) yourself to life challenges but to accept it.

i don’t know what to say… but i remember the words written by a famous blogger:

“It’s like when you don’t wanna jinx something, you start to imagine something going the complete opposite direction, but hoping secretly and perhaps subconsciously that it doesn’t turn out like how you counter-imagined it.”

I am dumbfounded (not at these words by the blogger but something else).

在东京铁塔第一次眺望
看灯火模仿坠落的星光
我终於到达但却更悲伤
一个人完成我们的梦想
你总说时间还很多
你可以等我
以前我不懂得
未必明天就有以后
想念是会呼吸的痛
它活在我身上所有角落
哼你爱的歌会痛
看你的信会痛连沉默也痛
遗憾是会呼吸的痛
它流在血液中来回滚动
后悔不贴心会痛
恨不懂你会痛
想见不能见最痛
没看你脸上张扬过哀伤
那是种多么寂寞的倔强
你拆了城墙让我去流浪在原地等我把自己捆绑
你没说你也会软弱
需要依赖我
我就装不晓得
自由移动自我地过
想念是会呼吸的痛
它活在我身上所有角落
哼你爱的歌会痛
看你的信会痛连沉默也痛
遗憾是会呼吸的痛
它流在血液中来回滚动
后悔不贴心会痛
恨不懂你会痛
想见不能见最痛
我发誓不再说谎了
多爱你就会抱你多紧的
我的微笑都假了
灵魂像飘浮着你在就好了
我发誓不让你等候
陪你做想做的无论什么
我越来越像贝壳
怕心被人触碰你回来那就好了
能重来那就好了

I love you because you are beautiful.

OR

You are beautiful because I love you.